Death and Destruction
by Carelna
Summary: Darden is dead and Casey knows it is his fault. And he knows he has to make it up to everyone.
1. The Firefighter or Inferno

**Hello everyone! **

**This is my first story about Chicago Fire and it delves the time right after Andy's death. Only five chapters if I am not completely mistaken. I have four already written and the fifth halfway finished, but I will not give any promises until I am certain it is the end. **

**I do not own Chicago Fire, or the characters or anything. I gain no profit of this and it is written just for fun. All mistakes are mine and so on and so on.**

**Now, enjoy! **

_Chapter 1: The Firefighter or Inferno _

Casey hears rather than sees or feels the fireball as it comes. Forced by reflexes his upper body slams painfully against the ladder as a raging, hot flame roars mere inches above his head. Air rushes out of his lungs, but he barely feels it through the haze of adrenaline making his mind run around in wild circles.

Risking a glance up and seeing the flames gone Casey's legs fervently scramble on the ladder as he struggles upwards to peak through the window. His eyes wide and heart and head pounding his lips release a sharp cry of urgency and denial as he begs for Andy to wake up and hold on and not give up.

Casey throws his hands against the windowpane and draws his body nearer the same hole his friend, his _brother_, has gone through just moments ago. He can distantly hear his radio rattling and Chief Boden's voice calling him, asking questions, demanding on update and telling him to stay out of the building. But Casey cannot give him what he wants. He needs to get to Darden – to _Andy – _and get him out.

The whole room is like a barking inferno and Casey can see nothing but fire and destruction. For a brief second a white panic fills his mind as he realises there is no way he will find Andy alive.

His fingers wrap themselves around the edge of the windowpane his knuckles turning white under the thick gloves as his grip seems to be the only real thing in life. The world around him turns dark and quiet. He cannot tell how long he stays unmoving on the ladder his breathing laboured and his eyes unseeing. His ears buzz angrily and seem to shut out all the voices that could mean something.

"He went through the window. He is gone… Andy is gone," his soft voice whispers desperately to the radio. Saying it out loud means admitting his own failure. Andy was one of his men, his responsibility.

For a short moment he stays staring at the dying room blindly before his training and Boden's orders to come down kick in. He makes it down the ladder with practised ease, his mind not giving into the pain of loss again. He has to be strong for his men. He has to be strong for Boden. He has to be strong for Severide. And most of all he has to be strong for Heather and the boys. He has no time for his own sorrow. Not yet.

As his feet hit the ground Boden is there, hand on his shoulder, asking about Andy. Casey reaches for his helmet and lifts it off his head, clutching it in his hands like a lifeline.

"There is no way he could have survived that. He's gone. I'm sorry," Casey stammers shaking his head. His whole body trembles and he feels weak and exhausted and empty, but he forces his eyes to stay dry. Chief Boden closes his eyes and squeezes Casey's shoulder comfortingly.

"Not your fault," Boden tells him quietly as they both draw strength from each other. A loss of a man is something neither of them wanted to experience.

As the rescue squad exits the building with staggering feet and unsteady pace after roaming out of the way of the fire now engulfing the whole house Boden steps away from Casey and turns out to give orders to the Engine team.

Severide makes his way hastily towards Casey as their men have the courtesy to turn away and give their Lieutenants a moment together, because Darden was their best friend.

It looks like Kelly is racing towards Matt with barely contained urgency and worry. And it looks like he is relieved that Matt is there, standing and alive and well and he has not lost both of them. And it looks like they were in for a fiery embrace to mourn their fallen brother and celebrate the survival of each other, but just as Matt draws a breath and opens his arms to let Severide in, comes a shove.

Severide's hands make contact with Casey's chest and the unprepared Lieutenant stumbles backwards before falling to the pavement his helmet clattering to the ground and his eyes widening. The air freezes around them as Severide throws his own helmet at their feet and rips his gloves off to fling them at Casey.

"You put him through that window! You knew it wasn't safe and you put him through. And then you didn't even get him out. He could've been alive, but he's dead now. You just wanted to get rid of him. YOU KILLED HIM!" Severide screams and it is clear that he is determined to inflict further pain on Casey. But then Capp and Hadley rush in to hold back their leader as Herrmann helps Casey back on his feet concern written all over his face. The rest of Casey's men turn around as well, to wearily watch the scene unfold.

"I told him to wait," Casey mutters softly in his defence as he drapes a protective arm around his middle as if to hold his emotions at bay. He keeps his head down not wanting anyone to see the pain reflecting in his eyes. He is worried and hurt by Severide's words and actions. He is surprised too, because the Squad Lieutenant has been so quick to piece together what has happened.

"Don't you dare pin this on him! You have to…" Severide starts again, but Chief Boden's sharp voice cuts him off.

"That's enough Severide. This was no one's fault."

And just then a new truck turns around the corner and comes to a halt near theirs before fire fighters start to pile out. They shoot sympathetic glances towards the group of 51 before rushing into action.

"You are done for the day. Go back to the House and when the replacement team arrives, we will hold a meeting."

The men stare at Boden as the message slowly sinks in. Then one by one they return to their trucks, shedding their jackets and wiping tears off their faces until only Boden and Casey remain.

"Talking includes you too, Chief. You told us to come to you, but who will you go to," Casey questions with a low voice, still refusing to let it betray his feelings.

Boden looks at Casey searching his expression for any sign of crumbling and is worried as he finds none. And he knows that while Casey looks and sounds stern and confident, he is vulnerable and emotional just like everyone else.

"I will find someone," Boden replies, leaving his own question unasked. When Casey does not acknowledge the wordless confrontation he shakes Boden head in remorse.

"Your men need you now", he tells Casey slowly, reluctant to let his Lieutenant walk out of this without really saying anything, but it provides him with a time to think of a strategy to get through to Casey. And although he knows that Casey feels like he has carry on for everyone, he thinks that the best way to keep him grounded is to send him with his men. Casey's time to grieve would come and Boden can only hope it comes soon enough.


	2. The House 51 or Flicker

Chapter 2: The House 51 or Flicker

The silence in the truck is something Casey has never heard before. None of them is a stranger to loss or tragedy, but this hits them hard.

Casey looks at his men from his seat in the front, all of the three sitting next to each other, searching for comfort and proximity. God knows he would be there in a second, huddled into the same stack with them, if it wasn't for Cruz, who, despite everything that has happened during the last hour, is guiding the truck safely around the streets. He needs to be there for every single one of them and he knows Andy was close to Cruz too.

Casey sighs softly, counting his blessings as not more men were lost, before he once again fixes his gaze on his men and tries to see through the barricades they have built around their minds.

Mouch has his dry eyes sifting around the men's faces as if he half expects to find Andy there with them, making his usual jokes. Vargas is quiet and his eyes are closed. Fresh tears run freely down Otis's cheeks and Herrmann has his arm secured around the younger man, while he himself, stares blindly at the road or his Lieutenant, Casey cannot tell.

"It's going to be okay…" Casey whispers perhaps more to himself than the others, but the words are still put out there. Cruz spares him a quick glance and a half-hearted nod and Casey knows his words mean nothing to them. How could anything be alright after something like this?

"Yeah," Herrmann agrees softly, but there is no real trust behind it as his voice wavers uncertainly.

As the trucks pull back to the House, 81 in the lead, it seems to Casey that an enchantment is broken. They are returning home without one of their own – without a brother. The Fire House feels cold and empty and Casey knows there will be much less laughter now that Darden is gone. And he fears that this will tear them apart. The drift between him and Severide is already there.

Numbly they slide out of the truck; Otis reaching Cruz for a hug, a rare show of needing comfort and Casey closes his eyes as he leans his back against the open door. He had failed them. If he had done his job and kept them safe they would all be there joking around and feeling whole. But he had not and now he has to bare his sorrow and regret in silence to be able to be there for his men.

As he opens his eyes he realizes Herrmann is there facing him. He looks worn and broken and concerned and Casey shudders softly, because it is all wrong. He offers the older fire fighter a frown as he pushes himself off the door.

"Herrmann…" Casey whispers and he hopes there is something he could say, but his effort is moot as Herrmann leans in and grabs Casey into a firm hug and offers gentle words of encouragement. Casey is slow to response to the gesture, but after a few seconds they stand in a brotherly embrace that gives them both hope.

When they finally part the others have already left and they look at each other for a moment before following, Herrmann hovering close to Casey's right side as if prepared to catch the young Lieutenant should his exhausted body betray him.

The briefing room is eerily quiet when they enter. Everyone is standing, because it would feel disrespectful to sit. Casey makes his way to Chief Boden, because he knows the older man is just as broken as the rest of them and has to carry the biggest burden. Casey lays his hand on the other man's shoulder for a few moments and nods as a show of support before falling back a step.

"Andy Darden. He was a good firefighter and even a better man. He was a light of this House and kept our hearts young when the job became too heavy. He loved both his families and we all loved him," Boden starts, his voice low, but strong. Casey closes his eyes as tears finally make their way down his cheeks and he does not have the strength to fight them anymore.

"We are all a little less without him here. This loss…" Boden continues, but his voice cracks and Casey knows the Chief will not be able to finish what he started. He takes a step forward and with tearstained face he looks at his family.

"The loss of Andy is something none of us wanted. I… ah… I knew him since the Academy and while it is nothing compared to the time Kelly knew him…" Casey picks up the speech and glances at Severide, who pointedly turns his gaze away, in remorse, "he was very dear to me."

"This is painful for all of us and it will be for a while. Do not leave a fellow fire fighter or a paramedic, a brother or a sister, to suffer alone. Reach out to each other. And remember that my door is always open."

"So is mine," Severide pipes up softly and looks at his men in seriousness and sorrow.

"Mine as well," Chief Boden adds. He throws Casey a grateful glance, because the younger man had given him a chance to regroup and recover.

"There will be counsellors here next shift and all of you are advised to go. I cannot order you, but I think letting the pain out will help," Chief says and continues on about leaves and help and support, things that Casey has no interest in hearing. He knows all he needs is work and to keep himself busy. He cannot let himself dwell on this, because he has people to take care of. He has let himself fall into the miserable darkness before and he cannot afford to do that now.

He closes his eyes again and thinks about Darden. He remembers telling Andy about his father and how bad he felt after his death. He remembers Andy telling him about Heather's first pregnancy and remembers them asking him to be Ben's godfather as Kelly was Griffin's. He remembers them graduating from the Academy, drinking beer after a hard day at work, watching a football game at Dardens', looking after Griffin and Ben when Heather was out with her friends, and just talking. He remembers how nice it was to actually start working together and how hard it was when Darden had to fall under Casey's command. He remembers their first meeting and how they had gotten their badges, only a number apart. He remembers Andy smiling and laughing, because he was rarely serious.

Casey snaps out of his thoughts when silence is replaced by a sound of shuffling feet and low murmurs. He looks up to see the teams leaving the room and some offering him tight smiles or sorrowful glances. He answers to them with his own remorseful expression and nods to Cruz, who mouths his condolences in silence before pulling out in Mouch's wake.

Severide is one of the last to leave and Casey reaches out to touch his arm as his lips offer a pleading call for his friend.

"I'm sorry Matt. I just… I can't. Not now," Severide whispers and follows Capp out without looking back to see Casey's frame slump limply against the wall.


	3. The Chief or Fire

**Hey! **

**Thank you for reading and reviewing and following and everything. I appreciate it a lot :)**

**So, chapter three now, only two more after this, it seems. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 3: The Chief or Fire<em>

As Severide's back disappears through the door the younger Lieutenant is left alone with the Chief. Neither speaks as Casey slides to the floor his back still against the wall and buries his face in his hands. Boden draws up a chair and mimics his second in command.

For a while they sit like that in silence. Casey is breathing hard and the trembling that has entered is body way back on the scene has not relented. A particularly harsh shiver rakes over his body and he supresses a sob with his hands. He can now feel his boss' eyes on him and he raises his head, eyes dry and red and mouth drawn into a thin line.

"Casey…" Boden starts, but does not find the right words fast enough, as the younger man is already pushing himself to his wobbly feet.

"Chief, I… I' m sorry," Casey mutters keeping his gaze to the ground to not see the concern and sympathy in the other's eyes. He knows he does not deserve those feelings.

"You got nothing to be sorry for. It wasn't your fault," Boden states with surprising force and Casey nods reluctantly, his mind not ready to let go of the guilt yet, but not wanting to give his friend anything more to worry about.

"I, ah… you know that my door is always open for you too, right?" Casey asks then, wishing to direct the focus away from him.

"Casey…"

"I mean it. You need to let it out too. It's not just us who suffered a loss, you did too," Casey presses determinedly. He looks at Boden straight in the eyes now and waits for an agreement, because that is what he needs. He needs a confirmation that the older man feels as bad as he does and there is nothing wrong with him for barely being able to breathe.

"I know," Boden replies shortly after a moment. He looks serious in a way Casey remembers from the Academy when a fellow classmate had gotten killed in a trill that was supposed to be safe. He bites his lip at the memory and forces it back. It had not been his fault that time.

"Casey… Matt. You are one of the best fire fighters and Lieutenants this House has ever seen, because you look after people around you and genuinely care. But there is one person you keep neglecting and who actually is the most important person for you to think about," Boden says and pins Casey with his gaze.

"Me," Casey murmurs with little enthusiasm and looks down. His mouth is turned upside down, which is his signature expression when he is upset in any way and Boden knows that look all too well. He stands up and walks to his friend and reaches to squeeze his shoulder, hoping to provide some comfort.

Casey looks up with a face full of regret shakes his head. He cannot think about himself now. Not his feelings or his well-being at least. There are others who have suffered even bigger loss and he has no right to feel sorry for himself now.

"Heather… The boys…"

It is too much to think. A great man has lost his life. Good children have lost their father. A fine wife has lost her husband. And it is all Casey's fault because he did not insist on going to the ladder first. It could have been him they carried down instead of Darden or they might not have been carrying anyone out feet first at all.

The two men look at each other in silent understanding. It is their job to go and see the Dardens or what is left of them. It is their job to tell the knews and they cannot linger behind much longer.

Casey looks at his chief intently again as if he could produce answers out of his pockets and had just held off as long as the others were there.

But Casey's hope is of course moot, because there are no answers. There is no reason for the untimely death they now have to deal with. There is no reason why it was Andy and not him. There is no reason why Andy did not listen to the orders.

There are only a few cold facts he knows he has to rely on even if they bring him nothing but pain. Darden is dead and he is never coming back. He died on the job, because what they do for a living his hell of a lot more dangerous than sitting at an office. He died, because he went through the window when he wasn't supposed to. And Casey blames himself, because if he truly had had Darden's trust and respect, the older man would be standing with them right now, laughing and joking.

The worst thing of this is though, that he knows the others are in pain just like he is, possibly even more. Chief Boden fears to show it, but Casey can feel the misery and anger floating from him. He can almost taste the bitterness.

They stand in silence but it seems to have a voice. It does not speak. It does not whisper. It does not sing. It screams. Its cries are utterly uncomfortable and full of weakness. The silence has never been so loud and Casey almost feels like shouting himself. He wants the silence to be silence again, because it is too unorganized and too unusual and he wants everything to have an order. He feels the need of normality especially now that nothing makes sense. Normality is safe. Protective. But it is not to be, because the normality died alongside Andy Darden.

They both want to just go home and bury themselves in a mass of blankets and pillows and hope for another day. A new chance or a new beginning. But there is something they know they must deal with, because Andy worked for them. They must meet the widow and offer their deepest condolences. And perhaps she will demand an explanation of why her husband is in the morgue and not coming home tonight. Perhaps she will ask whose fault it was. Who put him through the window when it was not safe? Who made him go to work this morning? Who can she blame, because it certainly cannot be pinned on Darden after his death?

It might hurt, hell, it _will_ hurt, but there really is nothing to be done about it. It is their duty. A duty no one wants to perform, but one that has all the meaning in the world.


	4. The Dardens or Hellhole

**Hey! **

**This is my first post this year, so happy 2015 everyone! :) **

**Thank you very much for reading and reviewing and all again. I appreciate it.**

**Enjoy! **

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 4: The Dardens or Hellhole<em>

Casey can tell she knows what has happened the second she opens the door and finds two of her husband's closest superiors standing outside dressed up in their formal uniforms. She hiccups as they slowly take off their hats. It looks as though she does not hear Boden's voice nor feel Casey's hands on hers as they offer their condolences and their sorrow for the loss.

"No, no, no, NO! He is not gone. He's not! You're playing a… a trick on… on me and he… he will…. he'll come… right through the door. HE WILL!"

It is not the hiccups or the strained speech or the tears that get to him the most. It's the way her voice quivers and the way she looks so utterly confused and _lost._ She tries to deny it with all her might and he knows why she is doing it. It is only natural to try and get loved ones back when they are lost. No one wants to be left behind. It is always easier to leave than it is to stay.

Then without a warning she launches herself fiercely against Casey's chest. Her fists start striking him in anger and frustration, because her whole world is crumbling down in front of her very own eyes. Casey utters a soft sigh as he ushers the flailing woman inside, out of the eye range of curious and prying neighbours. Boden follows them dutifully and shuts the door quietly as his Lieutenant struggles with the woman they both call friend.

"Heather…"

"You were supposed to keep him safe! It's all your fault. I hate you. _Hate _you!" she screams inconsolably and Casey cannot do anything but let her beat him. He swears he will have bruises the next morning, but it does not matter, because he is going home. He is alive and it is lot more than Darden can say. And he knows he deserves every word anyway. Every curse and every pit of painful loathing. Because truly, it was his fault and still is.

The screaming morphs into pitiful cries and wordless anguish and her hands seize from their strikes. She falls limp against Casey's torso and her fingers grip the front of his shirt like a lifeline. He glances at his Chief with desperation, but the other can only offer a slight shake of his head and a grim expression. And they both have to suffer in silence as Heather keeps mourning her fallen husbamd.

As expected the commotion draws attention of the two children living under the roof and suddenly there is a soft, small voice cutting through the air.

"Mom? Where's Dad? Are you… What's going on?"

Casey's eyes flit over to the doorframe where two small bodies linger and he hopes he wasn't the one who has to break the news to Griffin and Ben, but at the same time he knows it is his responsibility, because Heather is nearly unresponsive and only crying wretchedly. His eyes search for Bodens' again and it is just a second later that they move her sagging body from Casey's arms.

As he is free from his burden he edges towards the boys and with a small, sorrowful smile he urges them to the living room, away from their distraught mother. He sits them both on the couch and instinctively they huddle close together as if they already knew how bad it would be.

He kneels on the floor in front of them, his hat long forgotten somewhere and his heart full of compassion for the two boys who are nearly dear enough for him to be his own sons. He takes their hands

"Boys…" he starts, but cannot go on, as his mind trembles and their faces troop. He looks down at their hands and offers a strangled sniffle and a shake of his head.

"What's wrong Uncle Matt?" Ben's young voice asks and Casey can only marvel at the lively innocence he hears.

"Where's Dad?" Griffin demands sharply and forcefully making Casey wince, because he knows Griffin can smell that their life is about to change forever. They are without a father now.

"Your dad… He… he was lost in a fire today," Casey finally whispers gravely. He looks at the boys now, waiting for reactions. Denial, anger, fear, whatever to show they have understood and he does not have to repeat himself.

It takes only a blink of an eye for two things to happen. Griffin rips his hand off of Casey's, stands up and storms of, his shoulders tight and steps heavy and Ben, just like his mother only moments ago, attaches himself to Casey, his fists not striking him, but grabbing his shirt as he buries his head to his shoulder and weeps.

Casey raises an awkward hand to pat Ben's back in an attempt to console his godson as his mind tries to bring forth words worth saying. It does not succeed and they both grieve in silence for a moment. Casey holds the son of his best friend close and fears the moment he has to let go.

There are murmurs coming from the next room and it takes only seconds, before Heather comes running into the living room and practically rips Ben out of Casey's arms, because she is his mother and they need each other now.

Casey accepts the move with a heavy heart, but pushes himself off the floor nevertheless. He looks at the two for a moment longer, before stepping out of the room to give them some privacy. His eyes meet Boden's and after a simple nod he goes up the stairs in search of the older brother.

"Griffin?"

He does not get an answer, but he spies the boy from their parent's bedroom – _Andy's_ bedroom – and feels his breathing hitch as he realizes what the boy is looking. It is a picture of Darden, Severide and himself after their graduation. He remembers when they took the picture. All three of them in their formal uniforms, much like he is now, and their grins wide and positively joyful, because they had done it and their future lay waiting.

Casey hangs his head in remorse, before stepping into the room and moving to stand next to the boy.

"He was a good man. He loved you so much. He couldn't stop talking about you and your brother," Casey lamely states, reaching to touch Griffin's shoulder, but the child pulls hastily away, but does not utter a word.

"I'm sorry Griffin. I wish it had been different and I…" Casey tries again, but is cut short as Griffin spins around his eyes livid and in tears.

"You took him away from us. You don't get to be sorry. It's all your fault!" he cries and then pushes his way past Casey, running off again this time, Casey wagers, reaching for his brother and mother. He knows it is a small comfort but he is glad for the fact that the three of them still have each other, because it is now that they need their family more than ever.

He cannot lie. Griffin's words had hurt more than Heather's, because Griffin is a child and truth is like his second name. And he knows that though the words were spoken in a haze of confusion and fear and sorrow, they hold value behind them and Casey really has ruined a perfectly good family.

He takes a last quick glance at the picture before he follows Griffin's path out of the room and down the stairs. He stops at the end and listens to the hopeless cries coming from the living room where the three remaining Dardens are huddled together in their anguish.

"Come on," he hears Boden whisper then and he nods slowly. He follows the older man out of the house and into a waiting car. They both get in and just sit there in silence, because no words are left.


	5. The Lieutenant or Flame

**Hey! **

**Okay, so, chapter 5. This was originally supposed to be the last one, but it seems that there will be chapter 6 too, maybe more, but again, I am not making any promises :)**

**Thanks for reading, reviewing and liking and following and everything. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 5: The Lieutenant or Flame<em>

The Chief drops him off at the House. The older man had promised to take him home and give him a lift to work for the next shift, but Casey insists he needs his truck. Truthfully, he just cannot go home. Hallie has promised ages ago to spend the night with her friends and he has no idea whether they are out somewhere or at their place. She might be there or might not be. Either way it would be bad. The silence of the apartment or risk of ruining her night, neither option was overly tempting. They had had their fair share of problems lately as it is.

"You sure you don't just want me to give you a ride? You look haggard," Boden tries once more as Casey opens his door. The answer is still negative and offered with a sheepish, tired smile. Boden sighs, but does not press. He knows the Lieutenant well enough to know he will not be swayed.

"Be safe Matt," he whispers as the door closes after quiet wishes of good night, both of them knowing the night will be all but good.

Casey shuffles to his truck, his whole body rigid. His feet are tired and hurting and his uniform feels tight and hot. But they are probably the least of his worries and he just shrugs.

Casey blames himself. Of course he does. Because how could he not? At the end of the day every mishap, every injury and every death is his fault. He is supposed to make sure everyone gets back home after shift. Apparently it is not as easy as it sounds.

Casey is not certain what happens afterwards. Nothing makes sense as he guides his truck in the light traffic. He does not know his destination and does not care. He does not know where he should be either and in truth he doubts there is a place that needs him right now.

It is not but much later he finds himself getting out of the car on a quiet pond a few minutes' drive from the city. He walks to the edge and leans on a fence, his fingers gripping the beam forcefully and in agitation. He knows he has no right to feel sorry for himself, but it is something he cannot help.

He wonders how cold the water is and exactly how bad it would feel like to drown. He wonders if he has the right to go, because it hurts something awful. He shakes his head and forces his mind to concentrate on Andy. What would Darden do? What would he think and most importantly, what would he say to him?

He knows he has let people down and he cannot do it again. They have lost something important today and he cannot put them through that again. Not by his own hand at least. But it is not easy, because life is hard.

He is not certain whether there is anything for him to live anymore, because things have gone awry with Hallie, Severide hates him and he knows everyone else blames him for Darden's faith too and with a good reason.

"I'm sorry," he chokes out to no one in particular and to the whole world at the same time. He feels empty and entirely inadequate. He could have easily changed todays' outcome. Had he been a bit faster. Had he been a bit more persuasive. Had he been everything more. It would have meant a life. Literally.

But at the same time he knows he is no superhero. He knows Darden was a grown man, capable of making his own decisions and very much eager to do so in every situation. He knows Darden disobeyed his direct orders and knows he cannot blame himself for that.

And still he cannot let go of the guilt. He had wrongfully thought there were no trust issues lingering, but apparently he had been wrong. If his men trusted him like they should have, nothing would have happened. Darden would not have broken the window and gotten in and they would probably be spending the night somewhere together. But he had not gained the trust. He was a Lieutenant without the respect of his men and he should have been able to fix that. He had done something wrong along the way, if the trust was not there.

He leans his head against his arms and finally lets go. His body is wracked with guilty sobs as he mourns. He wishes for a fire that would eat him like the last one had eaten one of his best friends and destroyed his friendship with another one. He wishes he would not need to feel what he feels. He wishes he would not need to feel anything at all.

He hurts. It is both physical and mental and he knows he cannot heal himself tonight. It will take time and perhaps he will never be like he used to. He had had so much with Andy. Teasing, talking, seriousness, goofing off, friendship, brotherhood, love. Andy and Kelly had always brought out the best of him, but it is gone now. One was dead and the other blames him for it.

He has no idea how long he has been standing there when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He spins around in agitation, his eyes searching for his companion and is surprised to see Herrmann standing in front of him.

"Come on. You're staying the night in our place. I know Hallie's somewhere and you shouldn't be alone," he explains, not telling why or how he found Casey, but the younger man does not really care.

At first he tries to protest, but the argument is lost before it even starts and he knows it. So he lets Herrmann guide him off the pier and towards the waiting vehicle, but Casey's legs cannot hold him up long enough. He crumbles to the ground as his body betrays him Herrmann does not waste a second before kneeling and gathering Casey's shaking form into his arms.

No real words are changed. Casey keeps crying and shuddering. His body recoils further into Herrmann's grasp as his chest starts to heave. Herrmann's hand rubs his back offering comfort, but it is cold. Everything feels lost.

Neither man is certain how long it takes before Casey starts babbling incomprehensibly. There are clearly words Herrmann recognizes and knows what brings them up.

"Sorry… lost… forgot… you…. Andy… sorry…. my fault…" and on it goes.

Herrmann cannot keep his own tears down anymore. His head drops against Casey's shoulder and his chin presses against the tender flesh as he too starts to sob. Casey's gibbering has not ceased, but neither can do anything about it.

The sky is starting to turn slightly darker, but they do not move. Casey keeps apologizing feverishly and Herrmann keeps trying to comfort him. Herrmann does not try to stem Casey's tears though, because he knows the younger man needs to let it out and he would not do it in front of anyone else.

It has been a long time since Casey was stranger to regret, but this time it is far more raw and painful than usually. He is trembling all over and cannot seem to stop. He knows that right now he is drawing Herrmann down to the black misery with him. He can feel the older man shake against him too and he can feel Herrmann's hand clutch the back of his jacket harder perhaps than he thinks he is.

They stay like that for a long while, before Casey realises they have both gone relatively quiet. His frantic pleas have been replaced by heavy breathing and Herrmann's sobs have died down. Slowly, without a word, but like they had decided on it together, they remove themselves from the embrace.

Their eyes meet for a short moment, but Casey has time to read the pain from Herrmann's. There is a moment of sobriety and he knows better than to apologise again, because he knows Herrmann will somehow end up blaming himself, if he sees his Lieutenant even more distraught.

Casey is angry at himself for letting his guard down and pushing all this weigh to another man's shoulders, a family man's no less, but he knows Herrmann does not blame him. The clear part of his brain knows he is his worst critic and is the only one really blaming him for the tragedy they have faced. The clear part of his brain also knows that even he should not be blaming him, because ultimately, it cannot be his fault that Darden is gone. It cannot be his fault, because it is no one's.

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><p><strong>Okay, so probably not my best writing, but I didn't really know what to do with it. :) And I just wanted Herrmann to be there for Casey (I have an explanation for why and how he found Casey and I will tell you if you want, but it was irrelevant here), because I find their friendship quite unique and I love it. They are like cousins and friends and brothers and father and son and uncle and nephew all rolled in one. I whis there was more scenes between the two of them. <strong>


	6. The Friend or Flash

**Hello! **

**Once again thank you for all of you. Here is the chapter 6 and guess what, this is not the end either. I have no idea how this happened, but I cannot really back out anymore. :D **

**Well, enjoy!**

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><p><em>Chapter 6: The Friend or Flash <em>

The next few days between shifts go by in a blur for Casey. He knows there is little sleep, little food and little talk. There is more tears, silence and long minutes spent in a bathroom, because there is not much he can keep down. And there is a constant, pounding headache from all the crying and is comforting Cindy, sorrowful Herrmann and perplexed Hallie.

"Why didn't you just come home? I would've changed my plans and supported you. Do you think so little of me?" she asks once he comes home the following morning Herrmann having dropped him off to get his truck back, but he has no answers. He feels stupid for not trusting his fiancée to be there for him, but a part of him is glad he did not. Hallie deserves happiness and he would be damned if he had let his own sadness ruin her fun night. He fails to notice that the loss of Andy is on Hallie too, because he was her friend as well.

He spends hours tossing and turning in his bed at night, trying to catch even an eyeful of sleep, but it is not to be. Afterwards he spends hours staring at the TV with unseeing eyes, volume down, because he cannot wake Hallie. He closes the TV as the sun wakes and makes breakfast and decides to keep busy, because he cannot think about Andy.

He goes on about his construction job and workouts and preparing food for Hallie, not caring if she is worried for him or not. He answers the phone when Herrmann and Boden call, but avoids answering to the questions concerning his welfare. But if they pester him long enough, he admits he is _hanging in there, _which both the older men know means he is crumbling from the inside.

He knows what he is doing is unhealthy. He is putting off dealing with anything, but he tells himself he does it when he needs to. _If_ he needs to, and he hopes he never has to go there.

When he shows up at work couple of days later at the start of their next set of shifts he seems normal. His clothes are neat, his beard shaved and his back straight. But his eyes are bloodshot and surrounded by dark circles and he looks utterly and absolutely spent. But then again, so does everyone else.

They are all worn-out and miserable and looking at his men Casey is certain none of them should be at work. He knows he should not either, but he pushes the thought to the back of his mind, because he cannot stand to stay at home one more day.

He cannot remember when they have last been as quiet as they are this morning. He spends his time in the common room with his men. Privacy is perhaps the last thing he wants right now. Herrmann makes the effort and comes to hug him, making sure he has eaten and slept at least a little. He nods and pats the older man in the back. He is not willing to tell the truth, but dares not to outright lie either. Herrmann does not say anything, but the head shake is clear sign that he does not quite believe the Lieutenant.

There is someone they are advised to talk to at the House, but Casey makes sure to avoid him as long as he can. He tells his men to go. He tells them to talk, to open up and to mourn_. _Yet he cannot take any of his own instructions.

He knows Severide is doing the same. He sees all the squad members, save for the Lieutenant, stumble inside and back out half an hour later. They come one by one, all giving a short nod or wave to the truck members, but none of them staying for a talk.

They are all broken and tired. And Casey cannot help but wonder, yet again, how much better it would be now if he had been just a tad bit faster, a tad bit stronger. An injuring thought of whether or not they would be like this had it been him in the room tries to loom into his mind, but he shoves it back quickly. They are _family_ after all.

It takes half a day before he sees Severide for the first time. Of all the places it is at the door of a bathroom. Severide is just coming out, a carefully masked exhaustion bright on his face for a trained eye. And if someone is good at detecting other people's feelings, especially Severide's, it is Casey. They have known each other for years and they have been close for nearly all that time.

But Casey cannot fool himself. Darden had been the glue of their friendship. He has no idea what will happen know that the third man is gone. Do they even know each other for real or did they just know who the other was with Andy? Then again, they have spent a lot of time just the two of them too, and it really should not be that hard.

They stand face to face, staring at each other. Neither one dares to be the first one to move. Casey knows for a fact that in any other situation it would certainly be Severide whose nerves would get the better of him first, but this time he is not so sure. He knows he himself is shaking something awful and even the spiteful gaze of his friend makes him want to turn on his heels and leave the House for good.

"Severide…" he starts quietly, only to get the one in question turn his eyes to the floor. He wants to solve this. He wants them to go back to being friends, because he could really use one right about now.

"I just don't get it Casey. If you were jealous or something…" Severide starts with a frown, pointedly avoiding Casey's eyes. Casey can hear the agony in the words. It is like Severide feels he has been betrayed by Casey and Darden both. And in a way Casey gets it, but he has already gotten tired of this game, where he cannot guess what are the right words to say and the right thing to do.

"What? Do you think I did this on purpose? Do you think I wanted him to die?"

"Well, you sure as hell didn't do enough to stop him. You could've gone in first and…" Severide states softly, his eyes flickering back to Casey, who runs his hand over his head in silent desperation.

A quick glance at Severide's tensed posture tells him that something has been said that should not have been. It takes a minute for him to gather all the information and form a thought. Then it all explodes.

"Do you think I killed him on purpose? I did not want this!" Casey nearly screams, his hands clutching into fists and his face screwing up in anger and hurt and guilt.

"Casey…" Severide tries quietly his hands going up in surrendering gesture, but Casey's mind is on a verge of another breakdown and he cannot stop himself anymore.

"I know I killed him. I watched him die, remember? I… Not a minute goes by that I don't second guess myself and blame myself for all of this. Darden is gone and you are… you're…"

"I'm what, Casey?" Severide grabs at the jab, but Casey does not register the words fast enough, as he goes on with his rambling.

"I don't know what to do, because it's all so freaking messed up. I've lost Andy and I'm losing you and my men and Hallie and everything is falling apart. I just… I just wish it had been me instead of him. Everything would be so much easier for everyone," Casey whispers raggedly, his hands going up to press his palms against his eyes as he fights to keep the tears at bay.

There is a long silence after that. Casey keeps rubbing his face and listening to Severide's steady breathing. Then with no warning there is a strong hand on Casey's shoulder. Casey drops his hands and looks straight into Severide's eyes hoping to see some sort of reassurance. Instead there is a distant coldness in them and Casey flinches backward.

"I just can't deal with your crap right now, Casey. I have to figure out my own first," Severide says apologetically and his voice is surprisingly kind. Casey draws in a sharp breath as Severide gives his shoulder a squeeze and pushes past him. A rational part of Casey's brain tells him that Severide does not mean what he says and they are both just as frazzled as the other, but his anguish drowns the comforting thoughts as fast as they emerge.

Casey is left standing alone. He stares blindly at the door before him and then turns around and heads for his office, the need for a bathroom break forgotten.

He does not want to be alone right now, perhaps not ever again, but he does not want to show his weakness either. So he shuts the door behind him and slides down to the floor drawing his knees up to his chest as sobs overtake his frame once again.


	7. The Redemption or Flare

**Hello people!**

**Sorry this has taken a bit more time than the previous ones, but this was completely unprepared, because it was not supposed to go this far. And it seems that there will be a chapter or two still to come, because I have to get it back on track with the show :P Well, you'll see what I mean when you read it. **

**I'm not sure if this meets the expectations you might have, but I hope it does, because I did my best :) Sooo, no. I have nothing else to say. **

**Enjoy! **

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><p><em>Chapter 7: The Redemption or Flare<em>

It takes him awhile to realize that a good offense is the best defence. He wipes the remaining tears from his face and pushes himself unsteadily upright, his body stiff and tired. He knows he has to confront Severide sooner or later, and the sooner he gets it done the sooner he can start healing.

There is no way he will back out of this now. He is often reluctant to bring up painful things and question anyone, but he is not afraid of conflict either. He is _not_ afraid of Severide. He remembers countless of fights from his childhood, because he used to always be in trouble either because of his own attitude or the others'. At the Academy Andy Darden had taken him under his wing and acted as his shield like he had been some kid in need of saving. It had been easy to just let someone else do the dirty work, because in all reality, he does not wish to make his life a battlefield, though it ends up that way more often than not.

He closes his eyes for a brief moment and draws in a deep breath before opening the door. What he sees is not what he expects though.

There stands Severide, his arm raised and hand in a fist. He looks conflicted and hesitant and drops his hand after a while too long. Casey feels himself blink and lick his lips. He is at complete loss of words, because he has promised himself he will cook up something to say on the way over to the squad table and he really has nothing to say right now.

They stare at each other for a moment, before Severide pushes past him into his office and plops down on his bed. Casey stays frozen in his spot now staring at nothing and willing his brain to start working again. He ponders if he should just leave and let Severide stay or if he should shoo the other man away or if he should hear out what he has to say. And after a moment he opts to listen, because really, what has he got to lose?

So, Casey shuts the door and turns to face the older man. Severide is perched on the bed, his elbows leaning on his knees and his face in his hands. Casey feels a surge of sympathy. Perhaps his own pain is small and meaningless compared to Severide's, because Kelly and Andy had gone way back. He feels bad for his outburst now and rubs the back of his head as he sits down on his chair and tries to piece together the puzzle he calls a friend.

"I'm sorry, man. I had no right to blow up to your face like that," Casey starts when it seems that Severide is not ready to talk despite the fact that he is there. He does not know what else to say. All his previous thoughts about forcing an apology out of Severide are washed away when he looks at the clear discomfort and sorrow flickering across his face.

Severide looks up and their eyes meet. Casey sees the same pain in the other's eyes as he feels rolling around himself.

"Casey…"

Casey shakes his head. He does not need to hear what Severide has to say. Words are useless and they can do no good to anyone. He thinks back on the many times he has tried to solve things with words. He has tried it with his mother, his sister, Hallie and now Severide and not one of those attempts was a success. He has only ever made it worse by speaking and for once he decides to be smart about it and shut his mouth before he says something he cannot take back.

But Severide does not seem to share his thoughts and does not take the hint Casey tries to offer.

"We go way too far back to just stop being friends, you know. I was out of line. Of course I know you didn't want Andy dead and you didn't kill him. I hate myself for saying that, you did not deserve it," Severide lowly murmurs and looks back down at his hands, obviously trying to avoid Casey's gaze.

Casey does not know what to say. If he has expected Kelly to say something, it is not this and he has nothing prepared. He bites his lip, because he is baffled. This is not an attack he was set for. This is Severide making amends. This is something completely new, and Casey thinks he has never seen his friend this humble before.

"I … What I mean to say is I'm sorry."

This is Severide _apologizing _and now Casey is certain this is the first time he is this meek. Casey opens his mouth and shuts it again, because he really does not want to ruin this. He averts his eyes to the floor and dares not to raise them again before Severide huffs.

"I really don't know what else to say, man. Can't you just help me out here?" Severide pleads and it makes Casey recoil.

"I… What do you want me to say?"

They look at each other again. Both silent and wondering. Both hurting and confused. Casey frowns and sighs, when Severide seems to have no answers. Perhaps he will have to speak anyway, no matter how much he resents the idea.

But he is mistaken.

"I don't know. I want you to turn time back and just undo this; because you have always been the one to do all the hard stuff like this. I want you to tell me that this is all just a big bad joke and Andy is hiding in some closet waiting to jump on me at any moment. I… I want you to make it all better, but I know I can't ask this from you, because it's not fair. You can't do any of it anymore than I can," Severide mumbles miserably and Casey's heart absolutely shatters, because he has never felt this bad before, not even when he learned about his father's death.

He draws his hands over his face and forces back the tears threatening to fall. He has to be strong for Severide. He has unloaded his burden on the other man earlier and he has to let Severide do the same, even if it was partly Severide's fault that he was so distraught then.

"I know. I'm sorry, Kelly. This… I keep thinking how hard this must be for you and all the others too. You had no chance to say goodbye to him and … He was your best friend and I feel stupid whenever I look at you, because I know it can't be nearly as painful for me as it is for you. And… I just... I really am sorry," Casey says quietly then, after a moment and glances up only to see Severide's bewildered expression.

"You saw that fire eat one of your best friends. One would think you got the raw end of the deal here, man!" Severide exclaims unexpectedly and shakes his head as if only now realizing how bad it must have been.

"Yeah, but…"

"No, Matt. I…" Severide starts, but his voice is drowned out by an alarm that has both men reflexively jumping off of their seats and running out of the office to join their crews, their conversation pushed to the back of their minds, hopefully to be finished sooner rather than later.


	8. The Leaders or Firestorm

**Hello everyone! **

**Thank you for your continued interest towards this story. I have nothing further here to say. **

**Enjoy! **

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><p><em>Chapter 8: The Leaders or Firestorm<em>

Despite their wishes, they do not finish their conversation before Andy's funeral. For once Casey is honest to himself and admits they are both at fault. Severide has been avoiding him and he has been avoiding Severide. The wounds are too deep and too visible still and neither wants to hurt the other or themselves.

It is a beautiful gathering, people expressing their deepest sorrow. Firefighters and paramedics are all dressed up in their uniforms, formal and respectful. Casey, Severide, Herrmann and Boden carry the coffin and others stand in attention. Then they too salute their fallen brother. It all feels wrong and pathetic and Casey wants nothing more than to just flee, but he knows he cannot.

The speeches are all nice and full of love. They talk about how Andy was loyal and caring and brave. Casey hopes they would talk about his disturbing sense of humour, his boyish act, his love for both his families and his smile that had the power to light up a room. Those are the things that were Andy Darden, those made him alive. But they talk about the standard things, himself and Severide included. Everything else is private – sacred.

He looks at Heather and the boys and feels his heart ache. Heather is broken and the boys are lost. He wishes he could make it all better. Erase the loss away and start their life all over again. He wishes he was there in the coffin and Andy was here where he stands, because Andy meant a world to his family.

When they start to leave the graveyard he ends up face to face with Severide. They look at each other in remorse for a moment, before something changes in Severide's posture. Then he shakes his head, turns around and walks away. Casey manages to reach for his arm and give it a gentle tug, but Severide simply shrugs it off and it is back to old habits and nothing is solved.

Casey feels his knees go weak, but succeeds in staying upright. He closes his eyes for a while and when he opens them again his face is hard and emotionless. He straightens his back and pushes his own pain down like he always does. He searches for Hallie and together they leave to the Dardens' house to give their condolences.

The days after the service go by in haze for Casey. He acts on autopilot, surviving rather than living. His nights are plagued by terrible images of fire and burning friends and during days he fights to prevent his dreams from happening. He is exhausted and constantly on edge, but he keeps it under wraps. He cannot lose it, because there are other people he needs to think about.

At work he spends most his time in the common room with the others. He feels safe there somehow, because he can keep an eye on everyone. He does not speak and rarely smiles, but the familiar faces and lively banter, even if it is way too soon in Casey's thinking, keeps him alert and reassured. From time to time he catches Herrmann staring at him, but does not say anything. And Herrmann keeps quiet too. Casey is not certain whether it is out of respect, because Casey is his superior, after all, or if the older man just does not know what to say. He finds himself to be grateful for it though.

Whenever they go to a scene Casey has to remind himself that all his men are capable of taking care of himself. But Andy had been too, so is it really all that definite that they will all be going home from the shift in one piece?

He starts to drift from Hallie even more than he has before. He is quiet at home and barely present. Hallie on the other hand seems to sense his remorse and pushes him to confront her. She does everything she can to get a rise out of him, though at some point Casey starts to wonder that perhaps she would be happy with any kind of reaction, but he offers none.

It is not like he wants to be cold and freeze everyone out, but he just cannot find it within himself to be his old lively self when a death of a friend lies heavily upon his shoulders. And while he tries to convince himself that he is not to blame he does not succeed, but rather dwells on his misery.

Chief Boden calls him out on it three days after Andy's funeral. He has not necessarily done anything wrong. He has kept his men safe and himself as well. He has been making decisions like before. He has written his reports and all in all worked as well as any other day. But Boden knows his men and more importantly he knows Casey.

So it is not long after one vigorous call at the end of a shift that Casey finds himself sitting in the chief's office, his hands wriggling in his lap and his legs pouncing nervously. He bites his lip and keeps his head down, because he really does not know what to expect.

"Casey," Boden's voice is soft and demanding at the same time and something in it tells that he needs to look up. Reluctantly he does just that and is met by concerned gaze.

"Talk to me."

And for once Casey does as requested and opens up. And it is like all dams are broken and Boden does not even try to get a word in between. He talks about his fears, his concerns, his nights, his days, his relationship, his everything.

He tells Boden how afraid he is that he will lead his men into peril like he did for Darden. He tells him he is not certain whether Severide will ever forgive him or not and that it tears him apart. He tells him he is afraid of losing Hallie. He tells him about the nightmares and the fire he sees in them. He tells him how he does not know if he really can do this job anymore. He tells him how hard it is to sleep and eat and survive. He tells him he is afraid that his status as a Lieutenant is no longer deserved and will be taken away from him. He tells him how hard it is to be alone and how it is even harder to be around people, because Darden is not there. And he tells him he feels selfish for feeling all this he feels, because he knows he is not the only one who lost a loved one.

He talks until there is nothing more to talk about and his lungs constrict and eyes start to sting. He grits his teeth, hides his face in his hands and waits for Boden to say something. He does not know what he expects to hear, but it certainly is not what is to come. Because suddenly he feels strong arms around him and hears soothing voice in his ear.

The voice tells him exactly what he needs to hear. It tells him he is not to blame for Darden's death and he very much deserves the rank he has worked hard to achieve. It tells him everything he feels is alright and no one thinks less of him for that. It tells him that if he wants to fix things between him and Severide and him and Hallie he can, because they both love him. It tells him his men respect and trust him and have expressed their concern for him out of pure love and admiration. It tells him he is a good firefighter and a good man and he will use his pain to become a better one. It tells him he has done nothing wrong.

Then Boden pulls away a bit and looks his Truck Lieutenant – his _friend – _in the eyes. They both have tear tracks on their cheeks and they both know that this is what they both need. They need to be straight with each other and they need to be there and support each other. It is not because Boden holds Casey in higher regard than his other men, because in his mind there is no place for favouritism, but because they are both so much alike. Both too eager to hide their feelings to save others and both too independent to show weakness.

And this is what has to happen so that they can start healing. The rest that is left is recovery.

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><p><strong>Okay, this is it. The end of Death and Destruction. <strong>

**Thank you for sticking with me. T****his was supposed to be 4-part story and look at this, 8 chapters and I am even pleased with the ending. It must be some sort of a record. **

**I hope to be coming back with other Chicago Fire stories and I am planning on one right now about Casey and Herrmann. **

**So, to the next time! :) **


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